04/12/15: Please note that of very recent notice, Dr. Schuller is no longer available at his personal or business phone. Those who have an urgent need to reach him should perhaps plan on an extended (VERY extended) trip, from which they may not return. We are awaiting news as to whether the good doctor will be in a really REALLY good place or otherwise. His return is eagerly anticipated by his creditors, certainly, but if and when this does occur, sad to say, money in general may not matter.* Also, there is the problem of size. Reputably, big accounts make it a difficult passage - eye of the needle, camels, etc. Having lost most of that beforehand may actually be a plus for the doctor.
*Is there money in paradise? One might wonder, indeed. However, see below for our examination of the Virgin Dollars economy...
Robert H. Schuller built Crystal Cathedral, promising the rewards of earthly success for the devout and positive thinking. As God's agent, running God's franchise, how DARE the creditors bring on the lawyers?
Don't they KNOW what God has planned for them?
Surely Mr. Schuller did not stoop to hiring non-believers! What a farce that would be! But how can a believer SUE God's agency? Perhaps they are believers but terminally stupid. (Or is that already implied?) But how could the good reverend escape knowing that he was hiring idiots to do work crucial to God's PLAN for the planet?
On the other hand, another of the holy franchises has recently paid out the big bucks for multiple sins of the flesh among the anointed. It gives one pause.
Two down, how many more to go? Is there a trend building here? Has God perhaps finally actually died? How would we know? Or has he gotten so bored by his own followers that he's taken up the nose powder?
What they need is some old-fashioned religion mixed with solid business acumen.
So, the jihadists believe that if they die in Allah's service, then they will get 70 perpetually renewed virgins when they arrive in paradise, right? (Or, some people claim that it actually translates as "70 raisins," whatever...) So, how many virgins can one man handle at a time. This could get pricey, as well. Someone, maybe Allah, maybe our reborn jihadist, has to feed these 70 young girls and keep them entertained, right? I mean, if they're just robots, what's the fun in that? So, do they want it or what? And how tired is our jihadist going to be after even one heavenly night with the girls?
Logical solution: Rent the Ho's out, damn it! How else you gonna pay fo de bitches' food? Not to mention crack and all the other wonders of paradise. Paradise without crack? You trippin.
So, here's the plan, Bobby. Take your market expertise to Mecca. A lot of people already vacation there for some reason. You will no doubt have to use Still Small Voices to contact the right Imams or bomb manufacturers, now that you probably don't have a phone. Anyway, there are all these young guys - and some girls, too, although its uncertain what they get out of blowing themselves up (??) (How difficult is it for a young woman to get sex, anyhow? Certainly easier than DYING! Or, are these young Arabic guys really, really bad in bed? Hey, maybe the girl jihadies get to be the virgins.) - anyway, all these young guys with a marketable commodity. And where else are you going to find virgins in paradise?
So, Schuller and his chosen vehicles, presumably with Osama's blessing, print up a bunch of money, but instead of being backed by gold or silver or the "good faith and credit - ROFL - of the U.S. govco.inc.", this money is backed by something guys really WANT and is naturally limited in supply, namely VIRGINS.
Instead of all these virgins hanging out hoping to get chosen (or not), Bob convinces Al Quida to franchise VIRGIN DOLLARS (VD). Every suicide prospect now has it in his power to generate wealth in the here and now! Each VD is a contract that grants the holder one-tenth of one percent of one virgin, of whatever sex, race, hair color, or species desired, and available. And since these virgins are infinitely renewable, 1/10th of 1 percent of infinity is WHAT?
Infinity, right? (For the mathematically challenged reader, that's a WHOLE BUNCH!) So, each VD provides the holder with infinite virgin despoilment, FOREVER! Of course, one possible downside of all this is that the purchasers of the VDs might think twice about sampling the fleshpots here on this boring temporary waystation to paradise (or elsewhere). How could any mere earthly girl, who can only be a virgin once (or maybe 2 or 3 times... Ok, couple of dozen, MAX!), possibly have the carnal experience, just for one enticement, of a Virgin(!) who has not merely been around the block, but effectively to Alpha Proxima (That's a star...) and back, and just getting her second wind?
This is also a test of belief, BTW. If you really do believe in the basic prospect - the "You OWN the 70 virgins" bit - (and who doesn't want to?) then logically you should be able to give away, trade, or sell shares or these bored girls. And how bored are YOU going to get with the same old 70 girls and their latest variations of the same excuses they tried a million million times before.
"Oh PULEEEEZZZZ! What? You need to go AGAIN? And just how is this time going to be different than the last ten million deflowerings? Put a sock on it! I have a HEADACHE like you wouldn't BELIEVE!
The real issues are more mundane. Suppose our suicide bomber is hit by a truck after buying RVs and dope and whatever else with his VDs? Is he liable to refund to the holders when they get to paradise and the promised girls aren't there? Will Allah back him up or will there be conflict in paradise? On a side note, this could actually make it possible for lawyers to get into paradise, although some would probably say that the term "paradise" itself would have to be deleted from any legal promises if they were to be allowed in.
Then there would, no doubt, be the cases of a failure of will or belief. If someone keeps putting off suicide, then does he REALLY believe? Maybe he sort of believes, and it sure is nice to get cash, drugs, women for those VDs, but then there has to be a limit, a time to produce the goods. Show us the money!! So, if he then ODs on crack or otherwise breaks his contract, what is the logical and just consequence from Allah's standpoint?
Ah ha! NOW you see where those virgins came from! How humiliating to have once been a strapping young man and now a mere GIRL, with no other purpose apparently than to spread it on demand. Or, maybe Allah is smarter than that. Perhaps the virgins have other roles in paradise beyond endless painful sex. Being subjected to extreme pain on average every 70 days, after a while, they must start getting used to it, which suggests possibilities. Perhaps they have some role in that "other place."
We have all heard the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." And we know that in many native cultures, it is women who are in charge of torturing enemy prisoners, as they appear to have a special aptitude and imagination for the work. So, perhaps our virgins work in the other place when not actually called for duty in Paradise. It does provide a certain balance to the account. And we know that Allah is Just, if nothing else. Working at a day job in Hell would provide the girls the opportunity to blow off some steam (so to speak), taking out their frustrations on someone else.
But this is all speculation, to be sure. What we need is authoritarian expertise.
And there again, Dr. Schuller is the man to have around. After all, he has had the ear of Allah/God for decades now. Even under the current circumstances, God is not going to just blow him off, right? So, what we need for this business venture to suceed is GOOD information. And from where else but the self-catagorized source of the very meaning of "GOOD," and his primo agent on the ground? So, the important up-front questions that we would probably want the good doctor to put to HIM:
Allah, when you said "Virgins," you DID mean human girls, right? Not virgin sheep or goats, and surely not PIGS, right? We know that somewhere in the Holy Book it says that "All dogs go to heaven," or at least most people believe that, but please...
And we do mean nice girls, pretty girls, not some old nasty Ho addict eaten up with AIDS, etc., shriekin "A MAAAYAANN! TAKE ME NOW!?
And they really are actual girls, not some Hashishan fantasy, right? Or Stepford Hos, God, old buddy?
And, finally, not to get picky, but because we also have our reputations on the line here in this venture, it's 70 DIFFERENT VIRGINS for each suicide bomber, not the same poor girls spread accross the whole continent of Jahadists? I mean, there aren't LINES around the block, stretching to infinity (literally).
We understand that You already know everything, Allah, but we would like to draw your attention to potential problems, just for our own piece of mind. For example, how do we know that a VD is genuine and not some counterfiet? Once this takes off, there is bound to be aftermarket trading in VDs in exchange for other considerations. Thus, the opportunity arrises for the criminal class to debase the currency for their own benefit, printing up thousands of copies of random VDs or making up their own. This may not be a problem for someone with omniscience, but for us mortals, it is a bitch. We are therefore soliciting your opinions as to the best secure transaction methods, so that we mortals can be assured that the goods are really there backing up the VDs.
Additionally, our attorneys have been warning us that while transactions in paradise are non-taxable and beyond the reach of earthly powers and their laws, transactions that take place here on Earth, even though they deal with foreign property may not have any such exemption. How do you suggest that we handle such claims against value created or violation of various morals statutes?
For example, mortals today are subject to laws criminalizing sex with minors. Anyone can drive from California across to TJ and spend bucks on an endless parade of 14-year-olds fresh from the villages, but if they are actually caught, the U.S. will prosecute for statutory rape. Just how old ARE these virgins? Do they age like mortals or do they remain stuck at 12 or 20 or what? Please note that conspiracy to commit a crime is a heavier charge than the actual crime, even if it is never actually commited. So even after our hero exits in a blast, his buds may be facing the heat.
Also, God, I know that you already like "know" this, since you "know" everything, but you must have considered the fact that since you are intimately aware of every human's thoughts, can read minds, and can talk directly to people using that "still small voice," that you could qualify as a co-conspirator, or, at the least, potentially bump the crime up to the level of conspiracy, right? I mean, if I planned out a potential bank heist and talked it over with my buds, then we all could be prosecuted for conspiracy, even if we never actually robbed any bank. So, similarly, you might be on the hook for conspiracy to commit statutory rape...
Also, what if the virgins get preggers? We already know of at least one documented case of this. You probably know of Whom we speak. Just like the TJ attorneys licking their lips in anticipated glee over hitting relatively rich NortAmericanos with DNA based paternity suits from the 14 year olds, are there kids in paradise? And do virgin birthed kids all become vampires like You Know Who - you know, returning from the dead, making you drink their blood, etc.?
Not that we don't trust you God, but you know how it is. The Pope flying around apologizing to every Tom, Dick and Hairy, all those TVangelists with their 16-year-old male escorts, Sarah and her witchdoctor, and now the very heart and soul, so to speak, of positive Christianity and the Money gospel... Bankrupt. It really tests the faith, bro. Anyway, just so we don't have to rely on our puny, faulty human brains to remember all this, we'll have our attorneys take some time to just draw up a paper for you to sign, along with the bankruptcy agreements...
You do know, God, that your assets are on the line here, right? It was YOUR church, YOUR agent, and, since he was acting in YOUR name, YOUR promises of wealth to all the believers, right? So, our attorneys will be in contact. We'll be real quiet and wait for your SSV, Bobby...
Stay tuned as Phil explains the real world of religion... Taoist necromancy and Big Bangers, the myth of time, leveraging the cosmic balance... All here and more...
Legal notice: And remember, forget about the Ist Amendment - God is listening to your thoughts. Whatever you do, don't think about those Virgins, or He might Smite You where you stand!
(Phil's blog takes no responsibility for the actions of Higher Powers or the consequences to mere mortals who have pissed them off. All the preceding should be considered as pure speculations written solely for the purpose of humor or the boosting of Phil's ego. Serious suicide bombers who want to employ the concepts of VDs for their own benefit should consult with a rabbi or other authoritative source as to the potential risks of eternal bankruptcy before blowing themselves up. Remember that blowing ones self up for the purpose of promoting a crime may result in prosecution of all additional remaining conspirators. I.e., don't piss GOD OFF!)
And, on a related note: It just occurred to me that - having just got a refund and a nice letter from the IRS to the effect that I once again paid them too much and obviously miscalculated my taxes for 2010 - the interest that they paid me for holding onto that money was 3%. And the rate they pay is still set at 3%, while the Fed rate is what? Can you say ZERO, NADA, $0.00... That is, if you're a prime borrower, as in, too big to fail, bono-fide Illuminati, inner circle Skull and Bones, 9/11 co-conspirator, or VD speculator and nitrate manufacturer, then you can get money for free - but you still don't get any interest on investing it, right?
Unless, that is, you happened to forget a few tens of thousands in deductions when you file this year's return, in which case you get 3% on your overpayment, directly from the IRS coffers. Of course, that money itself is taxable income, I think??? But still, better than $0.00, right? And probably safer than even your local FDIC bank.
To be continued…